Thursday, 15 October 2015

Back next week.

I’m away from home, which is why I have been absent from the blog. I always think I can go out into the world and drive about and do life and still write something every day, and I always find I can’t. There are too many things to see, too many old friends to meet, too many conversations to be had. I am staying with my cousin, and we famously start talking the moment I get out of the car, continue talking each day from dawn till dusk, and are still talking as I get into the motor to drive away home. There is always so much to catch up with, so much to thrash out, so much to define and decipher.

Those friendships are worth more than diamonds to me.

I have also recklessly acquired a new puppy and a new pony, both from the Beloved Cousin. The puppy, who is twelve days old and has just opened his eyes, will come home near to Christmas, and the pony, a little thoroughbred mare who was once a sprinter and then a polo pony, will be collected next Tuesday and get to Scotland on Thursday afternoon.

I’m beside myself.

So, you can see that there is quite a lot of life going on, and since I am training myself to be a realist, I must confess that I shan’t be back in full blogging harness for a week. (I laugh as I write this. Who could possibly mind? What can it matter? Yet I feel that somewhere out there in the dark The Dear Readers expect.)

 

In the meantime, here are a couple of pictures for you:

Darwin the puppy. He was named by my smallest cousin. When I heard the name, I blurted out, without thinking: ‘But that’s splendid, because I love evolution.’ I’m not sure one can love evolution, or even if one should. Evolution just is. But I do think about it a lot and it does interest me vastly and so the whole thing seems written in the stars. If I believed in things being written in the stars, which I don’t:

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Part of the herd I see each morning:

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My lovely new girl. She was very brilliant at polo, but her playing days are over. She’s going to have a gentle life with me and the red mare, and I’m hoping that the family will ride her and she will be a real communal horse. She loves people and adores children and days filled with company will suit her well:

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The clever mamma of the new puppy. She is very like one of my dear old ladies and I’ve always hoped that if she did have puppies, I could take one home. And so it came about:

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The herd like looking across the orchard. The mare on the right is one of the best playing ponies who has ever lived in these meadows. She is called Legend and she is well named. When she is out on the field of play, hardened old pros catch their breath and nod their heads in awe and wonder:

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The Beloved Cousin’s husband does polo, in about three different ways, for his job. He is a gifted horseman, one of the finest I ever saw, and his eye for a horse is unmatched. That’s why I love spending time with his herd, because they are all such raving beauties and all such very nice people. The red mare came from here, and now my sweet new girl, and, if I ever go completely bonkers and decide I need a third, it is here that I shall come. Looking at this glorious face, you can see why:

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Thursday, 8 October 2015

National Poetry Day.

It’s National Poetry Day. I love National Poetry Day. I’ve been thinking about poetry from the moment I got up this morning.

The ones that live in my head are mostly Yeats and Auden, snatches of Frost and E.E. Cummings, lines of Robert Lowell, fragments of TS. (Do I dare to eat a peach?)

I thought though that I should find one about a horse, you will be amazed to hear. The best poem about horses is Yeats’ glorious galloping paean to Galway Races, but I posted that on this day last year. I read it at my father’s funeral. The last lines almost finished me off, in the quiet of the small Norman church:

‘And we find hearteners among men

That ride upon horses.’

My father was a heartener.

Anyway, I wanted something new. So I hunted about the internet and there really wasn’t much that would do. There’s an epic poem by Byron but it goes on for about ten years and is quite knotty, although I’ll go back and read the whole thing later. There’s The Charge of the Light Brigade, but that is far too sad for this sunny day. One of the best things anyone ever wrote about a horse comes from Shakespeare, in Henry V:

‘When I bestride him, I
soar, I am a hawk: he trots the air; the earth
sings when he touches it.’

But that is not a poem, so today it does not count.

In the end, I found a slender sliver from DH Lawrence, so short that it is almost a haiku, so mere that is it is mystery. I never adored Lawrence’s novels, but I was ravished by his poems. I remember reading The Snake when I was eight years old and being quite mesmerised. I read it forty years ago, and I remember it as if it were yesterday. I remember the feeling of heat and fascination and passion and shame that lived in the poem, and it made me think of snakes in a different way from that day on.

‘And I wished he would come back, my snake.

For he seemed to me again like a king,
Like a king in exile, uncrowned in the underworld,
Now due to be crowned again.

And so, I missed my chance with one of the lords
Of life.
And I have something to expiate:
A pettiness.’

This short poem is not one I have ever seen before. I felt rather astonished that it was so new to me, and I’m going to carry it with me in the Scottish sunshine.

The White Horse.

The youth walks up to the white horse, to put its halter on

and the horse looks at him in silence.

They are so silent, they are in another world.

 

That’s it. That is all he wrote. What mystery hovers between those lines. Did the horse and his boy exist in the world? Had Lawrence seen them, one misty morning, and remembered? Or are they symbols, metaphors, shimmering figures of the imagination? There is something almost holy in that tiny poem.

The funny thing is that the really, really good horsemen and women do work their horses in silence. I talk to mine, all the time. I tell her she is brilliant, or clever, or a silly old billy, or quite safe. I tell her that is only a cyclist and not a mountain lion. I say: ‘There are your sheep.’ She loves the sheep. I say: ‘Find your soft place.’ We are always looking for her soft place.

Opposite my house, there is a grand old building with arched windows and soaring roofs which was built a hundred and fifty years ago by some eccentric old gentleman for his cows. It is known as the coo cathedral, and the days are long gone when it housed cattle. It is used now for weddings and balls and celebrations. There was a charity sale going on there this morning and rows of cars were drawn up and people streamed across the grass in the dazzling sun to do their early Christmas shopping in a good cause.

There was no silence, but a great deal of bustle. I took the mare along to have a look. She likes an event. She said hello to some very small children. ‘Look, Fergus, it’s a horse.’

Fergus, who was not quite two, smiled all over his face. The mare blinked at him with elegant pleasure.

‘Yes, Fergus,’ I said. ‘She’s a very special horse indeed. She is a thoroughbred horse.’

I rode her down to the great old building and peered through the window. A lady saw us and opened the door and the mare poked her head inside and observed the throng, sagely. Within moments, she had many admirers. I felt the spreading delight of absurd pride. I love that she loves to greet complete strangers. I love that whenever any human eye falls on her, it lights with pure happiness.

There was no silence. We were in the world.

But when we went back to the quiet field, that DH Lawrence silence did fall on us, and we stood together, in wordless harmony, and we were, for a moment, like that horse and his boy.

Why does poetry matter? Why does it need a whole day, all to itself? Isn’t it too old school, too old hat, too out-dated, for the rushing modern world?

I think it matters because it speaks to the heart. It may console a bruised spirit, or remind a harried mind of a universal truth. It sings a fine and human song, and everybody needs a song.

It doesn’t really need to be for anything. It exists in and of itself: beautiful, immutable, true. It can be funny and it can be shocking and it can be stark. Unlike almost any other form of words, it can be read for the sheer beauty, even if one does not understand the precise meaning. (I have read The Wasteland about twenty times, and I still could not tell you what half of it is about. Some of it is even in languages I do not speak, and many of the classical references are lost on me. Yet, it still is a poem that can brighten my morning.)

If one is flayed or seared or bashed or blue, a good poem may fall on the battered human self like a balm.

I think that is worth a day.

 

Today’s pictures:

I don’t have a white horse. I have a red horse. And she is as bright and bold and bonny as the day is long. If I could write poetry, I should write a poem for her. But I can’t, so I shan’t. She has to content herself with the best prose my fingers can type.

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I can’t write her a poem, but she is a poem, so it doesn’t really matter:

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Wednesday, 7 October 2015

I am grateful.

I’ve been reading about gratitude lately. Gratitude sounds a bit hippy-dippy. It may be practised by those rather maddening earnest types who are always buggering off and finding themselves in foreign parts. To the phlegmatic, stoical, faintly sceptical British spirit the whole thing may seem faintly embarrassing.

But it has science to go with it, and I love a bit of science. There are empirical proofs. If one is grateful for what one has instead of cross about what one does not, everything is better.

Apparently, gratitude has even more teeth if one looks at a thing about which one would normally complain and finds some good in it. The most usual example is: when it is raining, don’t complain about the rain, feel happy you have an umbrella.

I am far too cussed for fads, and disdain bandwagons. (Watch them rumbling past with everyone leaping on the back. What a shower.) On the other hand, I have a natural feeling for gratitude. I’m always looking at the trees and thanking nature for the green leaves. I can find acute joy in a piece of moss. I sometimes grow fraught about my job, and the hoops through which I must jump. Then I remember that I have opposable thumbs, so that I can type.

Today, I’ve been looking through my ridiculous photographic archive and trying desperately to organise it. Because I am a most amateur but very enthusiastic photographer, and I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, I tend to take an inordinate amount of photographs in the hope of capturing one golden moment. (Sometimes, to my amazement, this does happen, due to sheer dumb luck.) Usually, I get a bit grumpy about the bulging files and the poor over-loaded computer. Today, instead of growing scratchy, I thought: gratitude.

And there they were, all the things for which I am grateful. There was Scotland, and the trees, and Stanley the Dog, looking crazily handsome. There was the sublime red mare and my family and the people I love. There was the sea and the sky and the hills.

There was, in a wider sense, the fact that I have eyes to see, a good camera that works, the time to stand and stare. There was the lovely good fortune which means I may record all these weeks and days, all the things which mean so much to me.

So, I’m still walking in the rain and riding in the rain and standing in the rain. I’ve gone a bit hippy-dippy. I’m not going to go and find myself, because really. But I am damn grateful.

 

Today’s pictures:

From that good old archive; a little gratitude list of their very own:

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Tuesday, 6 October 2015

The rain.

Today, I went out in the rain. I stood in the rain, I walked in the rain, I talked in the rain, I rode in the rain.

A friend cast her eyes up to the dreich. The sky was the colour of lost hope. ‘You are going to ride in this?’

I smiled.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I am going to ride in this.’

Normally, when people are surprised by something I do (which is quite often), I offer an explanation. I usually want people to know why I think things and why I do things and what I feel about things. That, perhaps, is why I still write this blog. I don’t really know why I want people to understand; I don’t know whether it is a good or a bad thing. Today, I felt no need for understanding. I was going to ride in this, and that was all she wrote.

If you ride in the rain and walk in the rain and if you have a proper hat for the rain, the rain changes. It no longer becomes a gloomy, paralysing thing. It is a ravishing, soft, reviving thing. It is what makes the grass grow. It is what allowed the trees under which the mare and I pass to survive for hundreds of years. I don’t know who planted the beeches, still bright green in the doleful light, and I don’t know when those glorious seeds went into the ground. Those trees can live for a thousand years. That’s what the rain does.

The mare, who is tougher than she looks, walked through the rain with the gentle aplomb of a duchess. It was a friendly ride. We are friends, I thought. Today, we were of one mind and one body. All was well between us.

Then I went to my work at HorseBack and met some people who have injuries to the body, to the brain, to the spirit. It is a group that had come from Catterick, a new set of people I had not met before. I asked the group leader about his men and women. ‘That one,’ he said, looking at a pale gentleman with a kind face, ‘just saw too many dead bodies.’

I am carrying sorrow at the moment. It is the perfectly respectable, expected, appropriate sorrow that comes to all humans in their middle age. It has a reason. It is not a mood, or a self-indulgence. It is a response.

It lives in me like a low weight. It is a permanent ache. I know it well and, rather to my amazement, I know what to do with it. It has to be wrapped up and stored safely inside. It cannot be fought or dispelled or ignored or driven off. It has to be kept and faced and even spoken to. I speak to my sorrow, as if it is a small, frightened animal. The ache stops twice, on this rainy morning: when I am on my mare, and when I am taking photographs of the people who have seen too many dead bodies.

It has so many paradoxes that I find it interesting. It is a weight, but it has a hollowness too, an unbearable lightness of being. It hurts, but it is also cleansing, as if it has the spirit of fire in it, that comes and burns away all the shabby detritus of life. It makes me think of what is important. It is flaying, yet it makes me strong. It turns out that I am doing sorrow well, to my absurd and secret pride. I speak of it straight, if someone asks. I make jokes. In sadness, I get a gold star in irony. How odd that is.

I’ve had practice, and I believe in practice. This feeling trots beside me like an old hound, known, familiar. Oh, there you are, says the mind, faintly resigned; I remember you.

I expect I won’t always do it well. I’ll have off days and cross days and days when I get tired of the thing and try to run away. Today, I am walking in the rain, in the most ridiculous of my many hats.

 

Today’s pictures:

HorseBack this morning:

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The duchess and Stanley the Manly, on Sunday, when it was sunny:

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Monday, 5 October 2015

In search of the middle ground.

The dancing mare could not quite make history. Treve did not win the Arc. Golden Horn did, with a glorious, imperious burst of power, under a ride so audacious that I need new words for audacious. (At one point, Frankie Dettori appeared to be taking his colt for a nice little wander in the Bois de Boulogne.)

Even though I love and admire Golden Horn, and screamed my head off when he won the Derby, I felt desperate for the mare. There is something about great thoroughbred mares which removes all my sense and wrings my heart.

She doesn’t care that she could only finish fourth. She’s gone home to the people she loves, had a good night’s sleep (this was reported by the racing press, in exactly those words), will be let down and then go to stud and have lots of babies. She’ll stay with the Heads, who brought her into the world, and when she is too old to breed she will have the happiest of retirements in the beautiful French countryside. Not too shabby.

It made me think about proportion, and wanting things. I think one should want things. Lassitude and indifference are not very taking traits. Passion is good, surely? But if one wants things too much, and they don’t happen, there is the terrible psychological crash. This is ridiculous, and exhausting. My instinctive liberal mind searches, as always, for the bloody, buggery middle ground. Yes, yes, you can want things, you can have passion, but not too much. Save your strong feelings until you see the whites of their eyes. Don’t fritter away pointless emotion on impossible objects. Can I teach myself this, as I teach myself to be a better human for my horse, so that she feels settled and happy and safe? (Too much jangly human emotion can make an intelligent thoroughbred nervy and uncertain.)

My passions are faintly ridiculous. I don’t really mind that. I’m used to being faintly ridiculous. I think though that I would like a little proportion, before I run out of iron tonic. I used to think all or nothing was rather marvellous. Run at life, as fast as you can. Now I wonder. My poor old mental legs sometimes feel the ache. Perhaps I could learn to be sensible. Perhaps not.

 

Today’s pictures:

Are from yesterday. A lot of family sweetness and happiness, in the dazzling Scottish sun:

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Sunday, 4 October 2015

Treve.

This afternoon, a five-year-old mare called Treve may make history. I wanted to write about her, so last night I went back and looked at my cherished recordings of Channel Four Racing. There were a lot of details I had forgotten. I’ve included them all. It is what the newspapers call A Long Read. I love Treve so much I could have made it twice as long. Words are hardly enough to do her justice.

This is her story:

 

When great horses come along and stamp their authority on the turf, there can seem to be an inevitability about them. Of course today the racing world is holding its breath, waiting for Treve to win her third Arc, because she’s Treve. Longchamp is her place; the Arc is her race.

In fact, even in her first shot at it, when she bounded into the race unbeaten, she was not the headline act. The name that few people remember except for some doleful Japanese is Orfevre. In 2013, the great beast from the east, a massive slab of a horse, all muscle and temperament and imperious shakes of the head, was the firm favourite. He was out for vengeance, having finished an unlucky second the year before. A nation expected, and thousands of Japanese fans (not too strong a word; the horse was almost worshipped) thronged into the Bois de Boulogne, waving their flags in hope. They beamed at the camera, as if they were convinced that it would be a coronation. Revenge would be theirs and the natural order of things would be put right. Treve, who had danced to victory in her first three starts, was the second favourite, but she was almost cast her into the shade.

Criquette Head had not won the race since 1979. ‘I think we’ve got a special filly,’ she said. ‘She’s got a tremendous turn of foot. We’ll try; we’ve got a chance,’ she said, shrugging her shoulders, as if acknowledging the mighty mountain that was Orfevre, the one they all had to climb. ‘We keep our fingers crossed.’

In the paddock, Treve looked very elegant and very composed, pricking her ears at the crowd, but all the cameras were focused on Christophe Soumillon, the jockey of the Japanese horse. He had refused to talk to the press at all before the race, even Clare Balding could not get a word with him. Treve’s rider, Thierry Jarnet, who looks like a horseman not a rock star, went quietly unnoticed. The Ballydoyle team, intense and concentrated, sent out Ruler of the World, the Epsom Derby winner. Roger Charlton hoped that his beloved Al Kazeem could overcome the graveyard draw, on the wide outside. There was strength and depth in the race; it was one of the great Arcs.

Out on the course, Orfevre looked like a stallion at stud rather than a racing colt. He was so vast and muscled and on his toes, his neck crested with power, his quarters almost terrifying. Treve is not a particularly small horse, but she looked like a diminutive ballerina faced with a prize-fighter. She started to get a bit revved up in the parade, held firmly by her lass and her devoted travelling head lad, a small smiling gentleman known as Le Capitaine. Al Kazeem, composed and handsome, seemed as if he was just going for a nice French holiday.

The Japanese smiled their heads off and waved their flags.

At the start, Treve was sweating. She was star-gazing, stretching her neck in the air. Jarnet was imperturbable.

The loading process at Longchamp takes ages. It was a big field, and the occasion had got to one or two. ‘I’d be a little bit concerned for Treve backers,’ said Mick Fitz. ‘She’s getting awfully warm down there.’

And: they were off.

Treve, near the back, was pulling, head still in the air, getting a bump, shunted to the outside, her stride a little scratching. And then, she started to do something almost physically impossible. She started to bounce and accelerate at the same time. She still had not really dropped down, but she was going faster, passing ten horses in a matter of seconds. Into the straight, and she had daylight, a lovely clear run up that famous stretch of turf. Ah, she seemed to say, now you’re talking. Let’s go.

She stretched, she skipped, she galloped, winding herself up so that the further she ran the faster she went. Three, four, five furlongs ahead of the rest. The mighty creature that was Orfevre was left labouring in her wake, as if wallowing in the choppy waters she left behind her. He had no answer to the filly. Nobody had any answers.

‘Treve is tremendous,’ shouted Simon Holt, as she flashed past the line, Jarnet crouched low over her neck, keeping her going with hands and heels.

‘This is one of the best performances I’ve ever seen in the Arc,’ said Johnny Murtagh. ‘These are top class horses and she put them to the sword.’

‘She’s hammered them,’ said Clare Balding, in disbelief.

The field was strung out behind her like fairy lights.

The stands rose to her. ‘Even some Japanese flags being waved as well,’ said Nick Luck, in good old British sporting approval. Treve pricked her ears and danced for her fans. Le Capitaine snatched a handful of Longchamp grass and kissed it. He hugged Jarnet so hard the jockey nearly fell off. Criquette Head was smiling a smile so intense that she lit up the racecourse. (I noticed she was toting an absolutely vast handbag. I wondered whether it was filled with carrots for her blinding filly. Treve loves a carrot.) The paddock was such a cauldron of joy that huge bouncers had to accompany Jarnet back to the weighing room, as if he were trying to get into a chi-chi nightclub.

‘We bred her, it’s like part of the family, she’s a sister to me,’ said Head. ‘I was going to retire, but now I’m not retiring.’

Nobody was retiring. It was the start of something special.

The next year, everyone expected Treve to establish herself as the empress of all she surveyed. She was continually sent off at odds-on; she continually lost. On one astonishing occasion, she was beaten by a 22-1 outsider. At the Royal Meeting at Ascot she never looked happy and bombed out in devastating fashion, finding nothing. In the stands, Le Capitaine clutched his head in anguish. She had niggles: it was her back, it was her feet. She was not right. All that dazzling athleticism had gone, leaving a good but ultimately ordinary horse. There were mutterings. Perhaps Criquette Head should give up; perhaps her beautiful queen would never be the same and should abdicate her crown.

The Heads do not give up. They are the great French racing dynasty. Treve had known nobody else in her life: they bred her, nurtured her, trained her, loved her. Criquette Head, dauntlessly cheerful, worked quietly behind the scenes, drawing on all her skill and experience, and sent her girl back to Longchamp as an outsider. No more odds-on for this one; she was now the maybe horse, tilting at windmills.

‘She has not been the same filly this year,’ said Clare Balding, sadly.

‘A shadow of her former self, ‘ said Mick Fitz. ‘She hasn’t moved the same, it all looks laboured for her.’

Channel Four showed a melancholy film of her sorrowful season, shot in moody black and white. At the end, words appeared on the screen, superimposed over a picture of her dear head, looking thoughtfully out of her stable door. ‘Rien dans la vie est noir ou blanc.’ Treve’s vie was all shades of grey, now.

The Japanese, undaunted, were back, with three runners. The talented Ruler of the World was back. Amazingly, the glorious campaigner that is Al Kazeem was back, having shot blanks at stud and gone back into training. Avenir Certain arrived unbeaten, with two classics under his belt. Kingston Hill was there, the sweet-natured grey, fresh from his Leger triumph. The newest glittering girl on the block was the fleet Taghrooda. There was no nailed-on favourite; everyone said it was one of the most open Arcs for years.

Jim McGrath, that canny old expert, looked hard at the Japanese challengers. As he talked, the horses were walking round quietly in the pre-parade ring, away from the crowds. All the runners had just one handler with them, but Treve had two, her faithful lass and the devoted Capitaine on the other side. He was so small (I wondered if he were an ex-jockey, or started out as a work rider) that he had to trot to keep up with her. He ran his hand down her neck, over and over again, stroking her, loving her. She nodded her head, as if in acknowledgment or approval. She is a neat, pretty filly, perfectly proportioned, but when you see her like this, relaxed and responsive, she is not a wild beauty. You would not pick her out of the paddock, not now. For Le Capitaine, she is the pick of everything.

All the Channel Four pundits were building up a head of steam for the team from Japan. The Japanese have loved the Arc for so many years, wanted it so badly for so long, turned up in their thousands, enchanted everyone with their enthusiasm and their sportsmanship. In British racing, we are used to the familiar Irish faces, the Australian raiders, the German stars, the brilliant Wesley Ward who brings his battalions all the way from America. Japan, oddly, does not feature. Japan goes to France, waving its flags and banners. They don’t want the Derby or the Eclipse or the King George. They want the Arc.

The odds began to shift. Taghrooda hardened as favourite at five to one. Treve was eleven to one. She had only started once in her life at eleven to one, in her second race. The days of odds-on were far behind her, in some dreamy past. There was a faint sense that even that eleven to one was sentimental money. There was a drifting, unspoken idea that she was running for nostalgia, that her trainer was listening to her heart, not her head. Head had told one newspaper that she thought the owner was letting her run the filly ‘so as not to disappoint me’. The feet had been fixed, but the question of the back was still a very Gallic, quizzical, shrugging ‘huh-mm’. Nobody quite knew whether Treve would be at her proper, physical best.

Interestingly, the French were keeping faith. She was eleven to one in the British betting, but three point seven on the Parimutuel. (The Parimutuel is like the Tote; no human makes a book, the odds are simply reflected by the number of people backing any particular horse.)

The press, in this fascinating race with no single story in it, suddenly decided that the fairy tale was their headline. All the cameras and microphones which last year were pointed towards Soumillon and Orfevre were now clustering like hornets round Head and Jarnet. Frankie Dettori, in a sporting gesture, gave Criquette Head a big kiss and his trademark blinding smile. Ryan Moore, who famously lets his riding do the talking and is gloriously taciturn with the press, was charmingly captured chatting and laughing to one of the Japanese jockeys, gesturing expansively. There was no headline act, no one talking horse. As the parade started and the beauties came out onto the track, nobody knew what was going to happen.

Treve stalked in front of the stands with her head bowed, her Capitaine by her side, as collected as a dressage pony. ‘It really is a privilege to be here,’ said Mick Fitz.

Down at the start, Treve had her customary little sweat on. None of the pundits were talking about her, unlike last year. She gently heated up without the spotlight on her, and went early into the stalls, her ears discreetly pricked. The loading went on, as slow as ever, the jockeys chatting and joking to each other as they waited in the gate. Channel Four showed another shot of the Japanese, waving their flags.

Anything could happen. Nobody knew. The pundits, cleverly, made no predictions. The crowd roared, the gates snapped open, the vast field of twenty charged away.

Anything could happen.

Anything did.

Treve won at a flat out gallop, scorching away from the field like a shooting star. She hugged the rail so tightly she must have seared the paintwork, and when Thierry Jarnet said go she put on her sprinting shoes and left them flailing in her wake.

Simon Holt, one of the best callers of any race, practically fell out of the commentary box. ‘Well, would you believe it?’ he cried, his voice rising. ‘Treve, after a troubled season, has won her second Arc. She’s had brittle feet, she’s had training problems, she’s been off colour, she flopped at Royal Ascot and she’s won again.’

Jarnet punched the air and ran his forefinger down the filly’s mane.

Simon Holt was writing a sonnet, unable to stop. ‘What a training performance, has there ever been a better training performance, because this filly has been out of sorts all season.’

‘That,’ said Clare Balding, ‘is absolutely extraordinary.’

Treve, who did not want to pull up, found herself back by the stalls, leaping and dancing, as if she wanted to go back in and start all over again, just to show them all over again.

The Capitaine ran out onto the course, his hand on his heart, as if he feared the poor old ticker might just fly out of his chest, or stop, or seize up. An enormous security guard, another of those nightclub bouncer types that they don’t have on British racecourses, came running up beside and wrapped his arm around the diminutive Frenchman and they walked on smiling together.

Thierry Jarnet, the hardened veteran of the weighing room at the age of forty-seven, burst into tears on national television. He put his hand up to his face, to hide the emotion, utterly overcome, as his fighting filly cavorted underneath him.

Jarnet, a complete gentleman and a great horseman, probably the most popular man in the French weighing room, had ridden Treve in her early races, and then given his place to Frankie Dettori when she changed owners. Detorri was injured before that first Arc so Jarnet took the ride, but he was off again in the next season, until Criquette Head put her foot down and said Jarnet and the filly belonged together. He had educated her as a two-year-old and in her early three-year-old campaign, and he knew her better than anyone. This was quite a brave decision as Dettori was a marquee act as well as a brilliant jockey, but Head’s astute judgement was rewarded.

The tears were perhaps for that, for that show of loyalty. Perhaps they were because of his love for the filly, for his pride that she proved all the doubters wrong. Perhaps they were because, after a burst of wild success when he was a younger man, he had slogged through some blank years, and now, way beyond the age when most sports people have retired, he had won the most valuable race in Europe for the second time.

‘Just bring me a large plate,’ said Mick Fitz, delight in his voice, ‘because I am going to eat humble pie. This is one of the greatest training performances of the modern era.’

‘Criquette Head would not give up,’ said Clare Balding.

The trainer, who would not give up with her battling girl, is not only a member of the most storied family in French racing, but the only woman who has ever won the Arc. She has won the Arc once, twice, three times. She had now won it with a horse that pretty much anyone else would have given up on. Criquette Head is an extraordinary woman, yet, if you saw her in the street, you would think that she was absolutely ordinary. She is affable, smiling, chatty. ‘She talks to everyone,’ Clare Balding said, in awe, obviously having had trouble in the past with getting recalcitrant connections to speak on camera.

Head never dresses up for the races, walking about in a sensible coat with a sensible bag. She is philosophical, and insists that she does not suffer from nerves. She has an enchanting, self-deprecating laugh. She is quizzical, and thoughtful. She loves her horses, knows her horses, and, as the decision to run Treve in this stellar race shows, goes into battle for her horses. She never gives up.

Dear old racing is still, largely, a man’s game. There are brilliant women, in the saddle, in the training stables, behind the scenes, but they are in a minority. To win the Arc is a career-defining achievement. Some of the best trainers in the world have not managed it. To win it as a woman is a whole other ball of wax. It is fitting that Criquette Head writes her name in the history books with a filly; two grand girls together.

‘Hats off to this team,’ said Mick Fitz, his voice filled with emotion.

Thierry Jarnet, his tears forgotten, lifted both arms to the sky, looked at the packed crowd, pointed at his filly. The stands exploded; the crowd went wild. The Queen was back in her castle. She shook her head at the roiling noise, almost crossly, as if to say: you should have kept the faith.

In the hysterical volcano that was the paddock, Harry Herbert, racing manager to Sheikh Joaan Al Thani, was asked by Clare Balding: ‘Can you believe that?’

He smiled, like small boy who has just come downstairs to find a pony under the Christmas tree. ‘No, no. If we’d all listened to Criquette all the way along, yes, you’d believe it. She’s never lost faith in this filly. And this week, she rang me up and she said I’ve just seen a piece of work and this filly is back.’

More smiling. ‘She rang the Sheikh and I rang the Sheikh.’

‘Will she be retired?’

‘She’ll be retired now for sure. It’s off to stud and decide on the lucky husband.’

As this interview was going on, there were shots of jubilee running over it: Jarnet in the weighing room, drenched in champagne, kissed by his valet and his fellow jockeys. As the marvel of the occasion sank in, there was a poignant tinge to it all. This was goodbye to Treve. She had come roaring back from the wilderness, she had silenced all her critics, she had proved the woman who loved her most was right. As Harry Herbert said, so happily, she had nothing left to prove. But that meant the glory was gone; we would see her no more. She would go to stud and pass on her brilliance to her babies. Those who loved her would have to wait three years to see the little Treves.

Then, away from the crowds and the cameras and the press, the Heads and the Sheikh had a meeting. Papa, the patriarch, said that the really good fillies got better as they got older. The Sheikh listened and decided. Treve would run at five, a mare now, strong, assured, all grown-up. ‘She’s very good-natured, and she likes people, she likes being surrounded by people,’ said her devoted trainer. All the little twitches and glitches seemed to be a thing of the past. Nobody talked about the brittle hooves any more, or the back. Treve was the complete article.

She came out in 2015 and swept all before her. In the Prix Vermeille, her prep race for the Arc, she fought for her head in the early stages, having an interesting conversation with Thierry Jarnet. I imagined it like this:

Treve: ‘Can I go now?’

Jarnet: ‘Not yet, my darling.’

Treve: ‘But I want to go faster.’

Jarnet: ‘Just wait until we are round the bend.’

Treve: ‘Now?’

Jarnet: ‘Nearly.’

Treve: ‘But I am a lion against donkeys. And I want to run.’

Jarnet: ‘Oh, all right.’

Treve: ‘Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.’

And she was gone. Soaring into her own private twilight, into that other place where the great ones live, into a little world of her own.

She won that race, against good horses, by stretching lengths, on the bridle. Papa Head is right. The good fillies do get better. They grow into mighty mares. A great thoroughbred mare is perhaps greater than any creature I know: more brave, more beautiful, more fascinating, more moving.

And now, that mighty mare takes her tilt at history.

No horse has won three Arcs. She’s got the usual battalions against her: the Group horses, the Derby winners, the fast improvers. The ground is not in her favour. It’s lovely weather in the Bois, and Treve prefers a little give. She does not like to hear her hooves rattle. Longchamp is always a cavalry charge, and she might get shut in, bumped and bored. The gaps might not come for her.

Golden Horn, who is on ratings the best horse in the world, might do for her, despite his fatal draw on the wide outside. (Ironically, he has Frankie Dettori in the saddle, the man who was jocked off Treve, and Frankie is on a roll, having a new dawn of his very own.) The stellar New Bay has the world at his feet, and may still be getting better. An iron may go, as it did for Olivier Peslier yesterday, so that he had to sit like a trick rider for four furlongs, his whip between his teeth, readjusting his tack in the middle of fast-run race. She might get boxed in, take a false step, clip heels. She might, bathetically, have an off day, as all thoroughbreds sometimes do. That is part of their mystery.

Nobody knows what may happen.

But if Treve could soar into her own new, blue horizon, if she could defy the statistics, laugh at the fast going, write those books anew, oh, oh, oh, I should shout and cheer and cry.

It seems inevitable, that Treve is here, on the cusp of history. It seems inevitable that all those who love her are here; the ones who watch her from a distance, in awe and wonder, the ones who know her well and work with her every day. This is her place; this is her race. But none of it was inevitable at all.

 

I can’t put up a picture of Treve, because of copyright, about which I am very strict. Here instead is my very own queen of hearts, too slow to be a champion racehorse, only the champion of my heart. This was taken this morning, as I thought and dreamed about the Arc.

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Friday, 2 October 2015

The big question I cannot answer; the small things I understand.

A sharp frost, the first of the autumn, was followed by wild sunshine and brilliant blue skies. I rode my mare early and then she and her friend, the little Paint filly, were loaded into the trailer and taken to the vet to have their teeth done. Going to the vet sounds a workaday chore, but here it involves driving up a long slope and looking out over one of the prettiest views for twenty miles. The valley opens like a book and the line of high wooded hills rolls away to the horizon. I always mean to take my camera and I always forget.

The mares were immaculate and the teeth were done and we put them back into their quiet field and then I raced to my desk and wrote 2089 words and did my HorseBack work. I had a heartening message from the wife of one of our veterans and she allowed me to reproduce it on the Facebook page. (For any new readers, HorseBack UK is a charity which uses horses to help veterans with life-changing injury and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I write their Facebook page for them. It’s the first voluntary job I’ve ever done, and it brings me weekly joy.)

I think quite a lot about the wives and husbands, the children and parents, the ones in the background, quietly getting on with it, bravely facing their new reality. For all that we concentrate on the veterans themselves, it is never just one person who comes back changed from a hot war. The ripples spread outwards, from a dark pool. This morning, it gave me more satisfaction than I can say to give those families a voice.

Across the Atlantic, another horror is spreading, another shooting, another pointless set of deaths. There are new families who will never be the same, who have to look their own hideous reality in the eye and somehow take its measure. I don’t know how they do it; I don’t know how those smashed hearts go on beating.

I don’t write much here about the big world happenings. I used to, in the beginning, because I am interested in geo-politics and the news. I have twenty-seven opinions on every current event. I’m not sure whether it is my age, or whether it is the internet and the rolling twenty-four hour news which never sleeps, the websites, the vocal commentariat, the Twitter feeders, but it appears, to my bashed old mind, that the world is growing more inexplicable and sometimes mad. Children should not be dying weekly in the greatest superpower the world has ever seen. (Forty-five school shootings this year alone. Forty-five. If that had happened in Britain, people would be marching in the streets; teachers would go on strike; politicians would resign; Whitehall would be thronged with protest banners; the BBC would talk of nothing else.) America, it seems, can do everything except stop its own citizens from being gunned down. It is a place which fascinates me. It is a land of great gifts, rich culture, dazzling talents, astonishing achievements, glittering hopes and dreams. It gave us jazz and put a man on the moon. It has more Nobel Prizes than the next ten countries combined. And yet, for all its brilliance, it cannot do this one thing. It cannot keep its people safe.

A huge question like that – why? why? – defeats me. The madness and the pointlessness, the sorrow and the pity, beat me, in the end, which is why the blog turned back to the small, ordinary things. The known things, the consoling things, the things the bruised heart and the battered mind can take in and understand: these are the things of which I write.

So, as this shattering news broke over a wounded people, I gentled my horse, and watched my dog race over the ground softened with dew, and looked at the hills, and did something for the veterans, and wrote a book, and made some strong coffee and clung on, by my fingernails. As life gets bigger, the small things grow more important, in a wry paradox. If I can hold on to the small things, the turning earth shall not tip me off.

 

Today’s pictures:

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Thursday, 1 October 2015

The dear departed.

Another of the great old gentlemen has gone.

My father had three sisters, all very glorious and splendid in their different ways. One of them was married to this kind, funny, generous man who has just left us.

He was old and he was ill. He was, I suspect, like my father, ready to go. He had run his race. There should be something fitting and right about these splendid old men going gently into the good night. And yet there is a tearing sense of loss and rupture. The world is not quite the world without them in it. The consolation that they are at peace is a thin gruel. He was one of those ones that filled a room, lit up people’s faces, made everything seem lighter and brighter. I had not seen him for some years but his memory burns bright, filled with fondness and warmth.

Now, when one of the old gentlemen goes, it is as if they are all going, all over again. The loss of the father, the godfather, the relation by marriage, the titan of my childhood – all is felt again, as fresh and urgent as if it has just happened. The heart aches and the throat closes up and the mind races furiously around, trying to find a good sense, a hymn of acceptance, a place to rest. No, no, no, says the racing mind, not that grand generation, which we shall never see again.

They were different from us, mightier in many ways, their virtues written in bold type. My lot, my boys, have talents that the old school perhaps did not – they are more attuned to domestic life, more fluent in expressing emotion, less afraid of plunging into what were not once considered the manly arts. They know how to rock a baby to sleep and cook a lunch and do the school run. (Although I still have at least one dear friend who, for all his modernity, looks at me sternly and says: ‘I don’t do feelings.’ And I tease him by talking about deep emotions and watch, laughing, as he desperately tries not to panic.)

But my father’s generation, the ones born in the war, had a dash, an élan, a scatter of magic about them. They were paradoxes: they had a certain reckless swagger, and yet they were masters of stoicism. I do like someone who can stare a serious feeling in the eye and get its measure, but I adore the flinty Blitz spirit of Getting On With It. Those old gentlemen Got On With It.

He was a lovely man. I think of his children, his wife, his many friends, confounded by loss. He will leave a space that cannot be filled. He will be remembered well.

As I rode this morning, in the bright Scottish sunshine, not long after hearing the brave voice of my aunt on the telephone, I thought of the old gentleman and committed him to the hills and the trees and the sky, as I always do. I give them back to the earth, these Dear Departed. I said, out loud, looking up at the wooded slope to the north: ‘I hope you have mountains and rivers, where you are.’

Then, as if sensing that I needed something marvellous, something fine and true, the mare gave me her most flying, floating canter. It was as light as air, as soft as love. It had all her grand thoroughbred spirit in it, all her athleticism and strength and power. But it was done with one hand on the reins, hardly the touch of a finger, so there was that impossible combination of the wildness of her ancestral voices and the control of her calm mind. It was so exhilarating that I whooped into the clear air, overcome with joy.

The joy released the sorrow, and I walked her back blinded by tears. I could not see where I was going, so I let go of the reins and let her guide me home to the gate. She knew where she was going.

I got off and rubbed her sweet forehead in gratitude. ‘Thank you,’ I said, aloud. She nodded, peaceful and unafraid. Sudden human cloudbursts do not alarm her. She, too, has the wonderful ability to Get On With It. The glorious old gentleman would have liked her, I think. They had something in common.

 

Today’s pictures:

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Friday, 25 September 2015

Better.

I like to think I’m quite stoical about being ill, but I’m not. This virus has been an absolute bugger. Cold sweats, pain all over the body as if I had been trampled by a cross donkey, inability to function on any level. I am pale as a ghost and quite doleful. It’s been going round, apparently, which makes me feel faintly better, because at least I am not the only one. (I have a very weird secret belief that giving in to illness is a sort of failure. Oh, the mazy corridors of my foolish mind.)

My very kind friend looked after the red mare, who is happy as a bug, since she loves most of all doing absolutely nothing, and dear Stanley the Manly has lain kindly on the bed, gazing at me with his Florence Nightingale face, and not complaining that there have been no games or sticks or rabbits to chase. For such a busy dog, he can be amazingly patient and peaceful when I am immobilised.

Back to full strength on Monday. Thank you all for your very kind wishes. I’m exceptionally touched.

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