Author's note: I wrote this yesterday and did not publish it, because it was such a wail. But today the stupid back is still making me shout and swear so there is no way round it. If you are looking for bluebirds and butterflies, quickly pass on and come back next week, when I hope I shall be back to my better self. I do have a resolution though. I am never going to complain about anything again. I am going to treat every pain-free day as if it is a jubilee.
This is what I sounded like today.
Ouch. Ouch, Ouch Ouch.
Can’t get out of bed. Don’t think I can get out of bed.
Of course I can get out of bed.
AH AH AH AH AH AH.
If I just stretch a bit like this, then it might feel better.
No, it does not feel better.
Not sure I can stand up straight.
Must get some magnesium. People say magnesium helps. Of course, I have some magnesium. I am going to take the magnesium.
Five minutes later: not sure the magnesium is working.
Maybe I’ll take some turmeric as well. Everyone says turmeric cures everything.
Now then. I can get up and get dressed.
No, I can’t get dressed.
CAN’T PUT MY SOCKS ON.
This is a bit of an emergency. I can’t go anywhere without my socks.
Right. I’ll work this out. It’s a question of angles and leverage.
OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH.
Got the bloody socks on. Now for the boots. Boots are a whole different hills of beans.
Fuck bugger bollocks arse. And you can shut up on the bloody radio, bloody Libby bloody Purves, sounding all smug and healthy.
If I can just get that zip. Just that one. Nearly there. No, missed it. Don’t panic. Start again.
THE BOOTS ARE ON!!!!!
Just quickly look up lower back pain on the internet, just in case.
Never, ever look up anything health-related on the internet. I have degenerative spine disease and am going to die.
Right. Downstairs. Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Have to put the washing on. If I crouch down like this....
But now I have crouched down, a triumph in itself, I am never going to be able to get up. There is nothing to hold on to, to haul me up. I imagine them finding me, days later, frozen in the crouching position, dehydrated and weak from hunger.
I’m going to have to shout through the pain. The getting up is possible, yes it is, it is just going to hurt quite a lot. I have the strength, I’m just going to have to shout.
Fuck bugger arse bollocks.
I’m up. I’m up. This is huge. I need new words for huge. I’m going to walk now. I have to take the dogs out and keep moving. Everyone says keep moving.
I’d quite like never to move again. Can I do that? Please?