Thursday, 2 June 2016

Ouch ouch ouch.

Author's note: I wrote this yesterday and did not publish it, because it was such a wail. But today the stupid back is still making me shout and swear so there is no way round it. If you are looking for bluebirds and butterflies, quickly pass on and come back next week, when I hope I shall be back to my better self. I do have a resolution though. I am never going to complain about anything again. I am going to treat every pain-free day as if it is a jubilee. 

This is what I sounded like today.

Ouch. Ouch, Ouch Ouch.
Can’t get out of bed. Don’t think I can get out of bed.
Of course I can get out of bed.
If I just stretch a bit like this, then it might feel better.
No, it does not feel better.
Not sure I can stand up straight.
Must get some magnesium. People say magnesium helps. Of course, I have some magnesium. I am going to take the magnesium.
Five minutes later: not sure the magnesium is working.
Maybe I’ll take some turmeric as well. Everyone says turmeric cures everything.
Now then. I can get up and get dressed.
No, I can’t get dressed.
This is a bit of an emergency. I can’t go anywhere without my socks.
Right. I’ll work this out. It’s a question of angles and leverage.
Got the bloody socks on. Now for the boots. Boots are a whole different hills of beans.
Fuck bugger bollocks arse. And you can shut up on the bloody radio, bloody Libby bloody Purves, sounding all smug and healthy.
If I can just get that zip. Just that one. Nearly there. No, missed it. Don’t panic. Start again.
Just quickly look up lower back pain on the internet, just in case.
Never, ever look up anything health-related on the internet. I have degenerative spine disease and am going to die.
Right. Downstairs. Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Have to put the washing on. If I crouch down like this....
But now I have crouched down, a triumph in itself, I am never going to be able to get up. There is nothing to hold on to, to haul me up. I imagine them finding me, days later, frozen in the crouching position, dehydrated and weak from hunger.
I’m going to have to shout through the pain. The getting up is possible, yes it is, it is just going to hurt quite a lot. I have the strength, I’m just going to have to shout.
Fuck bugger arse bollocks.
I’m up. I’m up. This is huge. I need new words for huge. I’m going to walk now. I have to take the dogs out and keep moving. Everyone says keep moving.

I’d quite like never to move again. Can I do that? Please?


  1. Oh Tania, my heart goes out to you. Sorry, I've got no bright ideas - OH has rather milder back pain just now and none of my suggestions have helped him. Just keep buggering on. The shouting and cursing help I'm sure. And know that we are willing your pain to give up its attack and leave you alone with your glorious animals. Gill

  2. The only thing worse than back pain is toothache but at least you can put your socks on when you have toothache. They say if you get down on all fours it takes the pressure off your back, trouble is, you still have to get back up again. Get well soon.

  3. Keep moving, slowly and surely, and only sit on firm chairs with upright backs, like a really decent dining chair, do NOT sit on the sofa you will never get out of it again, and bugger the magnesium and/or tumeric, get someone to go to the shops for some proper pain relief, however, don't overdo it as pain is a warning not to do that, no and don't do that either, whatever you do!

    If it hurts in bed put a pillow or a cushion between your knees and sleep on your side.

    You might guess from all this that lower back pain and I are "old friends".

    If it is even worse tomorrow, or in a few days, then call for the GP to visit. They will do that. Honest.

  4. Tania, you poor, poor thing. The thing about pain is you forget about it till you're in it. And then… it's all on.

    I know you've probably had a lot of advice but I would suggest whatever you find helps, keep going. Even when you're feeling spritely again, be proactive in some sort of treatment for your back - regular, every-now-and-again sessions of acupunture, osteo, whatever works for you. (And yoga :))

    Take care. xx


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