Tuesday, 26 July 2016

A cloud over the sun.

A tangle of intractable complications and sadnesses has me in its web. I think I am being tremendously stoical and putting on a good front, because I believe in stoicism and good fronts. In the end, I stand in the green field and tell a friend. She listens for a long time and then smiles kindly and says: ‘I had guessed.’ That good front, I think, needs work.

The friend is wise and true. She is a brilliant person for sorrows because she does not put on the pity face, or do the special voice, or tell me to butch up, or offer solutions. She just lets me get it all off my chest and then says something sage and then says something that makes me laugh. I feel profoundly soothed.

The tangle will get tighter and sadder over the next few days and then will loosen, a little. It is not made up of single spies, but of battalions. I stare very hard at the things of beauty in my daily life; the dancing dogs, the dear mares, the kind friends, the tall trees, the words written on the page. I squint beadily for silver linings, and there aren’t many, just now.

I always feel affronted by the bracing people who tell one to cheer up. There are things in life about which it is correct to be sad. One is not carved of pitiless marble. I hate dwelling and self-indulgence; I try not to wallow. But sometimes sad things happen and they make the heart ache and there is absolutely no point in pretending that they do not. 


  1. This is very true. I have recently had to tell a couple of people close to me, who wanted me to "buck up" and move on, that I do not need permission, nor do I seek absolution for my sadness. It exists. I am experiencing it. There is no point pretending. The harder trick is to allow myself the experience without feeling like I am letting myself or anyone else down. But I am learning that the only way forward right now is through.

  2. You are absolutely right - sometimes, we just have to be sad. Hope it passes soon, Rachel

  3. May you feel the wind at your back once again in your own time.

  4. It's ok to feel sad. I understand good fronts and they can be exhausting too. I hope this passes soon, sending love xxx

  5. "It is not made up of single spies, but of battalions." I am glad that someone else finds solace in Hamlet, and takes joy in hiding little gems like this for me to find and smile at.

    'Tis in my memory locked, and you yourself shall keep the key of it.

  6. Oh yes, how true. And how good when we find a listening ear that does not judge.

    That is a beautiful photo you have included today.

  7. Dear Tania - give some thought to popping into see your GP. I read a lovely book a while back called SINGING IN THE RAIN by Gwyneth Lewis - may help. The main point of the book she wrote as she was recovering from a bout of depression was that it doesn't last for ever, you eventually come out of it and that is something we all need to remember. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  8. A tangle of intractable complications and sadnesses has me in its' web ; you write so beautifully Tania I can't read you often enough. Your life has been very sad of late but you manage to produce prose that is soothing and uplifting for your readers. Horses we not my thing at all, but I adore how you treasure them. Take care of yourself, you are a very special and precious person


Your comments give me great delight, so please do leave one.


Blog Widget by LinkWithin