Tuesday, 29 November 2016

The critical voice is definitely suffering from low blood sugar.


Edit, edit, edit, edit.

Cut that bit, says the critical voice.

But I quite like that bit, I say, trying not to sound plaintive. And it’s about love.

Love, schmove, says the critical voice. All this love is giving me a headache. Couldn’t you be cynical sometimes? You know, a bit jaded and world-weary and funny. This is all so fucking earnest.

Oh, I say, in a very small voice.

You are, says the critical voice, in a rare access of generosity, quite funny in life, I suppose. You make people laugh in life. But the minute you start typing it’s all love and buggery trees and the meaning of sodding life.

Well, I say.

Lighten up, says the critical voice. Give the punters what they want, which is a good laugh.

Yes, I say, wondering when the critical voice will get her coat and leave for another party. The all-you-can-eat buffet is finished and the last of the good claret has gone and there must surely be other people she wants to bitch at somewhere else.


The door slams. I breathe a gusty sigh of relief. I stare beadily at my earnest tendency, which stares back, unblinking. But, it says, there is nothing else apart from love and trees. Oh dear, I think. I’m buggered. 

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