Sunday 6 May 2012

Sunday

Posted by Tania Kindersley.

On Thursday night, I buried my dog. It has been a year since she died, and I had not been able to do it before now. That sounds absurd and melodramatic, but there it is. The sun shone, the family came, I planted a tree and put the ashes in, I said some words. Then we all went inside and drank champagne. It was the same day a year ago that I buried my father, so there was some symmetry in that. There was a lot of death, hovering about, so I had to concentrate very hard on the love and the trees, which are my great consolations.

The horrible person who has done horrible things continues to dog me. Sometimes, I can do zennish calm, and remember about living well being the best revenge. The Younger Brother calls it the Dalai Lama Let Go. (He is a great admirer of the Dalai Lama.) We say it very quickly, in unison: Dalia-Lama-Let-Go, as if it were a dancehall craze from the 1950s. Sometimes, my attempts at sagacity desert me and I write vengeful letters in my head. I suppose everyone has one horrible person. Perhaps it is a good contrast, to remind one of the loveliness of the Lovely Ones.

This morning, in the freezing cold, I go up to the mare. My new thing is to play games with her, to keep her amused. (There are horse people who would consider this nuts, but it makes me laugh.) I see if I can get her to trot after me when I set off at a run, and then stop when I stop. We do this without a rope. I think some people call it loose schooling. I call it highly diverting. She does it. Three times in a row, so it is not a fluke. I feel as flushed with joy and triumph as if I was leading in a Derby winner.

I get a faint sense she is humouring me, as if to say: better go along with the old girl. She seems slightly bemused when I shower her with congratulations. But her wibbly lower lip twitches, which is always a sign she is happy.

The tiny children come out to see her, and she lowers her head graciously so their little hands can reach her soft muzzle. She dips her forehead to them in regal greeting, and they stare at her in awe and wonder. We all groom the little white pony, who now has a blog name. She is Welsh, and the children chose a tremendous Welsh name for her: it is Myfanwy. Apparently it means ‘my lovely little one’ which could not be more appropriate.

The sky lowers, and darkens. The forecast is for snow. Snow. The Pigeon shivers in the wind, and looks at me reproachfully, as if I could do something about this unseasonal weather. But the garden is starting to bloom, despite it all, and the Duchess’s beautiful apple tree stands up straight and strong in its new home.

 

Pictures are from Thursday.

Duchess's tree, and the wild garden I made for her:

6 May 1 03-05-2012 17-52-33 4032x3024

6 May 2 03-05-2012 18-30-27 3024x4032

6 May 3 03-05-2012 18-30-33 3024x4032

 

6 May 4 02-05-2012 16-00-05 3024x4032

6 May 5 02-05-2012 15-59-55 4032x3024

6 May 6 02-05-2012 15-59-23 3024x4032

Pot table, tarted up specially for the occasion:

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6 May 22 03-05-2012 17-49-30 4032x3024

Younger niece with Pigeon:

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Ready for her close-ups:

6th May 15 03-05-2012 17-49-48 3024x4032

6 May 13 17-04-2012 18-04-40 3046x2789

Red the Mare:

6 May 10 02-05-2012 16-42-31 4023x2570

With Myfanwy the pony:

6 May 11 28-04-2012 12-14-05 2913x3123

Their view, with snow clouds coming in:

6 May 12 27-04-2012 13-40-57 3896x2716

The hill, in the last bit of light we've seen for a while:

6 May 20 16-04-2012 17-44-15 3000x1310

19 comments:

  1. Welcome back, and I am glad you were able to drink champagne. And how, how can a horrible person do horrible things to you??? When you give so much that is good to so many? (I suspect that one clue to identity would result in a fatwah being taken out on them by the Dear Readers.)

    The Duchess tree is beautiful, and I love the colours in the pot table.

    Sending good and comforting thoughts across the miles from East Anglia. xxx

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  2. Hi Tania. Welcome back! You have been missed during your break. Yesterday while reading through my blog feeds I just kept checking back feeling like I was missing something. Finally I realized it was your blog I was unconsciously looking for. News about you, Pigeon, Red, and the new pony were a bright spot that was gone from my day... I agree with Cassie that the Horrible person would become the focus of your Dear Readers negative energy if we knew where to direct it. In the meantime, know that you are the focus of our good and positive thoughts. The wild garden and apple tree are a wonderful tribute to the Duchess. All the best, Vivian

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  3. Hi Tania. Welcome back! You have been missed during your break. Yesterday while reading through my blog feeds I just kept checking back feeling like I was missing something. Finally I realized it was your blog I was unconsciously looking for. News about you, Pigeon, Red, and the new pony were a bright spot that was gone from my day... I agree with Cassie that the Horrible person would become the focus of your Dear Readers negative energy if we knew where to direct it. In the meantime, know that you are the focus of our good and positive thoughts. The wild garden and apple tree are a wonderful tribute to the Duchess. All the best, Vivian

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  4. "It was the same day a year ago that I buried my father, so there was some symmetry in that."
    Yes, I understand that. People say the loss of someone gets easier with time but actually, sometimes it feels so and other times it doesn't. It's like taking the scenic route. But it's good that you're back.

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  5. I saw the first line & my heart went into my throat. I thought you were talking about the Pigeon (OMG! NO! NO!)! (That'll teach me to "skim" read!)

    Visiting family in Florida, doing a lot of ruminating and came across the following, from life coach Martha Beck in an article (or book? Not sure):
    "Every time life brings you to a crossroads from the tiniest to the most immense, go TOWARD LOVE (caps mine), not away from fear.
    "Nothing based on fear -- but everything based on love -- is worth doing."
    XX Pat

    PS It was the late great folksinger (& incredible woman) Malvina Reynolds who told people to plant an apple tree for her when she was gone...

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  6. Welcome back, all of you. Red is lovely, the Pigeon beautiful, Myfanwy sturdy and the spring countryside welcome.

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  7. Good to have you back. What is one horrible asshole ( sorry about the language - or not ) compared to all of us who send our love and support. Consider yourself surrounded by a protective barrier of positive thoughts.

    I think it is wonderful that you play with Red. Thinking outside the box and spending time together doing all kinds of unexpected things build a relationship so much stronger than just riding and grooming. Red is a very lucky girl to have you and the sweet little white one. You have many beautiful years of trust and companionship to look forward to.

    Would send some sunshine from Finland but we don't seem to have enough to share. Too early for our apple trees to do more than dream of flowers.

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  8. Good to have you back - I missed having your post to read first thing in the morning over my porridge. I also had a horrible feeling that it was the Pigeon you were talking about so it was a great relief to find that it wasn't.

    No sunshine down here either.

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  9. Very good to have you back. Like the others, must admit that your opening words made my eyes well up, fearing it was the Pigeon. Your words about how she seemed to reproach you for the weather were very welcome. Hope your ceremony--and the champagne--brought some measure of peace.

    How do you pronounce Myfanwy? The Welsh have such a creative language. ;-)

    Bird

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  10. Beautiful, beautiful pictures. So lovely to have you all back :)
    Take best care xxx

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  11. Gosh, my first thought was Pigeon...my heart dropped.

    Your photographs are absolutely beautiful....your views are incredible and Pigeon is just the most gorgeous dog.

    Today must have been very hard for you....sending you much love Tania XX

    PS I love the name Myfanway....my grandma used to sing that song to me, it reminds me of her always (my family are all Welsh :))

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  12. I love the comment above about the protective barrier of positive thoughts - that is *exactly* what you have. Though the idea of a militant band of Dear Readers is brilliant, and would probably be accurate if we had any idea who this person is! So we'll stick with the positive thoughts for now and I hope that is of some comfort.

    I understand the symmetry, and how that might have brought some 'rightness' to a very difficult day. We scattered my father's ashes one year after he died, more through convenience than by design as that was when the family was together. But it did feel right. A year passing does feel like it brings you back to where you were, so it felt right to acknowledge that. I do hope that Thursday felt 'right' for you, however hard it also was.

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  13. So glad you are back. The ceremony for the Duchess sounds absolutely beautiful. I don't know the detail of your Horrible Person situation but if it is any help I had a Horrible Person once and the best advice I got was from my very wise, seen-it-all therapist who simply said: why do you give her so much power? It was quite tough to think it through, I really felt she had an enormous amount, but slowly I began to see that if I could stop minding about the things she was threatening to harm -realise that if they were that fragile, they probably weren't worth having - I did come to stop fearing her. In the end, the chief harm the Horrible Person is doing is to themselves. The fact is, all the love and goodness you have scattered about your life will ultimately triumph however much ammunition somebody seems to have. Anyway I really hope it resolves as you deserve. Rachel

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous; One of my favourite quotations is attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt; No-one can make us feel inferior without our permission. Used to have it on the wall of my teaching room for all my students to ponder. Seems to fit your story.

      Tania, so glad your Wake for The Duchess was just what you wanted and needed, including the timing. May her apple tree thrive and its fruit bring you joy.

      As for the horrid person, can I suggest you write one or two of those letters in long hand, on paper and then burn them with great relish. Used to work for me when getting over an ex or coping with a difficult boss!

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  14. Great God above, woman, be careful what you write! Like others who've commented I nearly had heart failure when I read 'I buried my dog'. Have you no thought for your readers?
    Keep on keeping on, good to have you back. Lots of love.

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  15. Blessings, and hugs, and love to you and yours.

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  16. As always happy to drop by so as to be reduced to tears. again.

    Stop writing so well.

    And I am sorry for your losses.

    xo Jane

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  17. What a beautiful tree you have for the Duchess - what kind of apple tree is it?

    I'm glad you had a good day, and had family there.

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  18. Sorry I'm late - time in my lovely lakes and I only got online to do a swift upload of blog photos for the in-laws. I have wondered and waited all these months about the Duchess, I wasn't sure if you'd (completely understandably) decided to keep private your memorial/burial of her. I know how painful, how utterly utterly heartbreaking it is...we cried into the soil as we buried Fig's ashes under his beautiful rose tree, that plus the symmetry of your Dad's anniversary, what a time you must have had...sending so much love and great big hugs.
    And the person who is making you miserable? Shall we send the boys round?
    Anne.x

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