Friday 31 May 2019

My Day of Jubilee. Or, in Which I Finally Run Out of Fucks.



Today, my darlings, is my Day of Jubilee. It is my Independence Day. I have finally decided to set myself free.

I realise, at the dear old age of fifty-two, that all my life I’ve been skipping about trying to please people. This sounds rather lovely, but it’s actually ghastly. I worry about what those people think, most especially what they think of me. I empathise so hard with their feelings that sometimes I have to go and have a little lie-down. I try to be the grown-up, not for its own sweet sake, but so that people will say, ‘Look at her, being the grown-up.’ 

It’s not just near friends and relations. I worry about what complete strangers will think. I want people to like me, even if I think they are idiots. (That may be the very definition of insanity: wanting even the people you don’t like to like you.) I want people to like me on Facebook and Twitter. I want the people who read my books to like me. I want more of those insidious little thumbs-ups. I want huge red hearts for every single red mare post. If people don’t love the red mare enough, the world might stop turning. 

And this very morning, at about 6.22am, I realised that I’d had enough. With one bound, I was free.

Of course, it’s not quite one bound. There has been a lot of practice bounding. There have been tentative steps and small experiments and schooling runs. There has been a vast amount of processing of emotions. There has been gazing at the navel and contemplating the bizarre vagaries of the psyche and trying to answer the Universal Why. 

There has been a rather terrifying embrace of vulnerability. There have been admissions of shame. There has been a lot of asking for help. If you are going to change your entire life, I discover, you can’t do it on your own.

Today, the cumulative effect of all that came together in a glorious final act. I was liberated. I did not have to mind any more. I could let all the people - the Norma Desmond people, out there in the dark -  think exactly what they wanted to think. I could let them mock or disapprove or sneer. I could let them not like me. (Imagine that!) I could let them laugh at my absurd dreams, my wild passions, my intense loves. Because their dream is not my dream, and that is all right.

I’m so tired of the slightly sick feeling in the stomach and the ache in the throat when I think that someone is angry with me, or belittling me, or putting me down. I get a hollow feeling, and a pressing on the head, and I carry a low cloud of despair about for thirty-six hours. That is usually how long it takes me to talk myself down off the ceiling. I’m sick to the teeth of talking myself down off the ceiling. I could be doing so many more lovely things with my time.

Even if I turn myself inside out like a pretzel, I’m still not going to please all of the people all of the time. I know this is so Captain Obvious that the captain needs to be promoted to Brigadier, but it’s taken me a while to believe it, right down in my gut. I’m an optimist, so I think I truly believed that if I was fabulous enough, then everyone would get with the programme. It would be a festival of fabulousness and finally, finally, I would be vindicated. I would get the external stamp of approval, and everything would be fine, and I would never feel sick and stupid again.

I would not have the terrible crash when my mustang bursts of enthusiasm were met with blank stares. I would not have the smash of shame when my brilliant idea was rejected. I would not have the crawl-into-a-cupboard-and-die feeling when I expected a red rosette and got given a dunce’s cap instead. 

This morning, as the birds sang their dawn song, I saw that I’d got everything the wrong way round. The only stamp that counts is the one on the internal passport. The only control I have is over myself and my own decisions. I have to let all the other people go. I have to let them dream their own dreams and do their own thing and believe their own beliefs. Some of those will clash with mine, and some of them won’t. But they are not my business. 

The strange thing is that I learnt all this from my red mare, and from the people who have helped me along that grand, thoroughbred journey. I’ve learnt that to get her right, I simply had to turn myself into the best human I could be, the steady, reliable, imaginative human she needed, and the rest would take care of itself. That’s how I ended up riding through the Scottish hills with a single finger on the rein and a song in my heart. It’s the same with ordinary life. I’ll go on trying; I’ll do my best; I’ll run my own race. And some people will love that and some people won’t.

I have finally, finally, run out of fucks. I’ve given so many, for the wrong reasons, to the wrong ends, for the wrong people. The box is empty now. That’s it. I’m done. 

37 comments:

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    3. Isiyku Abdulahi
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      Isiyku Abdulahi
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      My name is Riana from USA i want to testify of a powerful spell caster who return my ex boyfriend, it all started when i took his phone and saw a lady message him that she enjoyed the last time and i confronted him about it he was angry and and stop talking to me from that day he started acting strange then he told me he didn't want me anymore that he loves someone else i was so diver-stated i cried all day and night he blocked me from his Instagram and on phone so i couldn't reach him anymore this made me sad and cry even the more i was searching for something online when i saw a comment about Priest Ade great work i contacted him and told him about my problems and i did everything he asked me to do he told me after 24hrs my ex will return back to me well i doubted him though because my ex didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore the next day to my greatest surprise he called me and was begging me to give him another chance now we are both happy together all thanks to Priest Ade he can also help you contact below
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  2. YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES

    ReplyDelete
  3. How wonderful. I salute you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you. Much needed today. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'll be 51 in a week. Hoping my day of Jubilee is coming around the bend. Love it! "That may be the very definition of insanity: wanting even the people you don’t like to like you." Guilty! And I pretend every day of my life that I don't give any fucks, but that is a total lie.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Absolutely brilliantly said. I think a lot of us on Twitter worry that we are not getting the approval of complete strangers. We forget that in real life we probably would never cross paths with these people and their opinions mean nothing to us.

    I remember doing a job that caused most of the company to dislike and resent my colleague and me because we were training people to use a new computer system that they hated and had problems using. My poor colleague found this stressful and I was called into a meeting with a "big cheese" to discuss the time off she had through stress. I was asked why she couldn't cope when I obviously could. All I could say was, "I have a horse, two cats and a man who think I'm pretty OK. She has nobody. The opinions of people at work mean less than nothing to me."

    I was proud of myself for two minutes. Would I be able to say this now? Was it helpful? I shall never know.

    ReplyDelete
  7. The internal monologue is very strong and hard to change, but it can be done. It sounds like you have succeeded! Good going.

    ReplyDelete
  8. i relate empathically with ur post, tania - however if it were so simple as saying "i wont give a fuck anymore what they think" and by deciding being free, then relations between others and ourselves would be easy to manage, and maintaining our mental&emotional health as easy as keeping the body in goodshape - quit smoking! - but i dont think it is, becuz the motivations which engage us in situations that can produce (dis)approval, pride, guilt, shame, selfpity, (dis)regard et al, are not reducible to an emotion-free transaction - the very words "i wont give a fuck" are loaded with unsaid feelings - surely its that those of us whose sense of themselves requires accounting the opinion of others can never NOT give a fuck - the issue is how to receive and process that perceived (dis)approbation in a way which is neither bloating nor destructive to our own self - indeed, as m-buber might put it, which serves to evolve and elaborate the relation rather than the individual - its not about me, its about us - as u rightly write, "If you are going to change your entire life... you can’t do it on your own"

    ReplyDelete
  9. I really like and appreciate your post.Thanks Again. Keep writing.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I’m so excited my broken Marriage has been restored. “We recently made up, even though it was difficult. It’s been more than a month now, and everything feels like it’s returned to normal. He has began to treat me better, and it’s been a healing process for both of us. The nightmare that had lasted for almost 2 years before we broke up is finally over. It’s like we fell in love all over again! We’ve both put the past behind us, and are trying to move forward – and for the first time in a long time, the future looks a lot brighter. I can’t express in words how grateful I am Dr Great! It’s like we’ve finally rediscovered those things about each other that made us fall in love in the first place. All of the worrying and stress has simply vanished. Thank you Dr Great for saving my broken Marriage and brought my husband back to me!”. Me and my husband are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Great. If you have any problem contact Dr Great now and i guarantee you that he will help you contact him through

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  11. This is a testimony that i will tell everyone to hear i have been married for
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  12. LOVE EXPECTS TO WORK

    I share this testimony to the partners suffering in their relationships because there is a lasting solution now.

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  15. thank you very much DR.Ayo for the wonderful work you have done for me and my children to bring my husband back.I had serious relationship issues with my husband and he was no longer committed to me and our children, when I asked him what the problem was, he told me that he had fallen in love with me and wanted to divorce me and I had such a broken heart that I cried all day and night, this had prompted him to move into his friend's apartment. Everything got worse because he started going to bars and strip clubs frequently with his friend, getting drunk and fainting. He always threatens me on the phone every time I call him because of all the bad advice his friend gave him. I really love him and we had been married for 5 years, which gave us a beautiful daughter and a son. I had also lost a lot of money as therapists until I was introduced to DR Ayo by a friend he helped marry his childhood boyfriend, it gave me total confidence and strength to retrieve it. I did everything DR.Ayo asked me to do and I also followed all the instructions given to me by DR. Ayo to my surprise after 72 hours, my husband called me and rushed home with a new brown car for me and our kids. Things just changed between us emotionally, I was the happiest woman in the world that day. my husband now has a good job and has stopped drinking and he has stopped keeping irrelevant friends. It’s a miracle I would never have thought possible because I had lost all hope before finding DR. Ayo ... contact him today and get your love back I can assure you .... contact him on his WhatsAPP +2347055691377 or EMAIL: drayo47373@gmail.com

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  17. Five weeks ago my boyfriend broke up with me. It all started when i went to summer camp i was trying to contact him but it was not going through. So when I came back from camp I saw him with a young lady kissing in his bed room, I was frustrated and it gave me a sleepless night. I thought he will come back to apologies but he didn't come for almost three week i was really hurt but i thank Dr.Azuka for all he did i met Dr.Azuka during my search at the internet i decided to contact him on his email dr.azukasolutionhome@gmail.com he brought my boyfriend back to me just within 48 hours i am really happy. What’s app contact : +44 7520 636249‬

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hi everyone I'm Wayne Desmond
    Hi everyone I'm Wayne Desmond and am here to share the wonderful work Dr Believe did for me. After 5 years in marriage with my husband with 2 kids, my husband started acting weird and going out with other ladies and showed me cold love, on several occasions he threatens to divorce me if I dare question him about his affair with other ladies, I was totally devastated and confused until a old friend of mine told me about a spell caster on the internet called Dr. Believe who help people with relationship and marriage problem by the powers of love spells, at first I doubted if such thing ever exists but decided to give it a try, when I contact him, he helped me cast a love spell and within 48hours my husband came back to me and started apologizing, now he has stopped going out with other ladies and his with me for good and for real. Contact this great love spell caster for your relationship or marriage problem to be solved today via email: believelovespelltemple@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +19713839183

    Here is my personal email: waynedesmond22@gmail.com if you wish to ask me anything


    ReplyDelete

  19. Isiyku Abdulahi
    My ex-boyfriend dumped me one week ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I reach to the Internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 2 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Dr Believe. You are truly talented and gifted.He is the only answer. He can be of great help and I will not stop talking about him because he is a wonderful man. Contact this great love spell caster for your relationship or marriage problem to be solved today via email: believelovespelltemple@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +19713839183




    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  21. My name is Tom cam!!! i am very grateful sharing this great testimonies with you all, The best thing that has ever happened in my life, is how i worn the Powerball lottery. I do believe that someday i will win the Powerball lottery. finally my dreams came through when i contacted Dr. OSE and tell him i needed the lottery winning special numbers cause i have come a long way spending money on ticket just to make sure i win. But i never knew that winning was so easy with the help of Dr. OSE, until the day i meant the spell caster testimony online, which a lot of people has talked about that he is very powerful and has great powers in casting lottery spell, so i decided to give it a try. I emailed Dr. OSE and he did a spell and gave me the winning lottery special numbers 62, and co-incidentally I have be playing this same number for the past 23years without any winning, But believe me when I play the special number 62 this time and the draws were out i was the mega winner because the special 62 matched all five white-ball numbers as well as the Powerball, in the April 4 drawing to win the $70 million jackpot prize...… Dr. OSE, truly you are the best, with Dr. OSE you can will millions of money through lottery. i am a living testimony and so very happy i meant him, and i will forever be grateful to him...… you can Email him for your own winning special lottery numbers now oseremenspelltemple@gmail.com OR WHATSAPP him +2348136482342

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  23. How I Got My Husband back... Am so excited to share my testimony of a spell caster who brought my husband back to me. My husband and I have been married for about 6 years now. We were happily married with two kids, a boy and a girl. 3 months ago, I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing someone else. He started coming home late from work, he hardly cared about me or the kids anymore, Sometimes he goes out and doesn't even come back home for about 2-3 days. I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail. I became very worried and needed help. As I was browsing through the Internet one day, I came across a website that suggested that Dr.Odu adebayo can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted(WhatsApp) him and told him my problems and he told me what to do and I did it and he did a spell for me. 48 hours later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promised never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. My family are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr.odu adebayo If you have any problem contact him and I guarantee you that he will help you. He will not disappoint you. you can WhatsApp him(+2347055287754)or Email him at : poweroflovespell@gmail.com.

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  24. I got my already programmed blank ATM card to withdraw $2,500 everyday for three years. I am so happy about this because I got mine last week and I have used it to get $50,000 already. Cyber hackers are giving out the cards to help the poor and needy though it is illegal but it is something nice and he is not like other scammers pretending to have the blank ATM cards. The card can't be traced by any CCTV and no one gets caught when using the card. The card works in all countries. That is the good news. Get yours from Cyber hackers today! Contact Cyber hackers via his email address now to get your own card:: cyberonlinehackers@gmail.com , WhatsApp: +15738563022 or Text : +1 (347) 455-1063

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  25. My Marriage restoration journey started 4 days ago when my husband of 22 years changed me for a woman 10 years younger. I am 57 and he is 55. I went through the desert and during my journey I found Dr Isiramen. God used him to heal my broken heart and took my pains away with his Powerful Love spell. I trust the Lord and I know that He is going to restore my marriage. We need to have faith. Faith is the assurance of things we hope for and the conviction of things not seen. Men and women please do not give up, God can and will restore your marriage . Don’t loose hope. You must fall in love with the Lord.
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  27. Testimony on how i finally join the illuminate after many scammers stole from me All thanks to master Mike for making who i am today, i pledge to remain loyal and humble to the illuminate. i was being stolen-from and really hearth broken until i found light by contacting Mr. Mike through a good friend of mine from abroad, and i didn't regret it. i’m not so greedy to keep this free opportunity to myself because Mr. Mike and the hood as a whole will not be pleased with me. so i’ll also urge you to join and end your poverty, hard life, brokenness and get famous today in the illuminate. you can contact Mr. Mike whatsapp +1 (862) 358-5989) Email: (brothrhoodi692@gmail.com) and call (+234918100439)

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  28. Hello Everyone I want to quickly use this medium to share a testimony on how i was directed to a Legit and real illuminati member with the help of Mr, Mike who have transformed my life from grass to grace, from being poor to a rich woman who can now boast of a healthy and wealthy life without stress or financial difficulties. After so many months of trying to to be a member of the illuminati and was scammed the sum of $3,000 i became so desperate in being a member online who will not add to my pains, then i decided to contact a friend of mine who recently became a member, we discussed about the issue and to our conclusion she told me about a man called Paul mark who is the grand master in the whole of Africa. So i applied to become a member of illuminati easily without stress and all the preparations were made concerning how to become a member in two(2) days i became a member and the sum of 1.5 million dollars was deposited into my bank account so i want to advice any one who wants to become a member should contact him on whatsapp +1 (862) 358-5989) Email: (brothrhoodi692@gmail.com) and call (+234918100439)
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  29. My name is Collins Gary from switzerland, i want to testify to the general public how my relationship was restored back by the great power's of Dr Zuma after three months of loneliness, my ex-lover called me after my contact with Dr Zuma that he want us to come back and start a good home, now we are happily married. All thanks to Dr Zuma for his wonderful spiritual help. You can contact him on his via email spiritualherbalisthealing@gmail.com call him +15068001647 if you have similar problem, or any solution you ....

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  30. You need help to GET PREGNANT? contact Priest Babaka on this email (babaka.wolf@gmail.com), i am here to share my testimony on HOW I CONCEIVE my babies after i suffer from PCOS and my TUBES ARE TIED, i have been married to my husband for 11 years without no issue. i had problems with my in-laws even my husband started to have new affairs aside our marriage.it was a very terrible thing to bear, been to many doctors and yet my case remain the same, i was now seen as always unhappy. my husband was not given me any attention that i needed from him. on this faithful day, i decided to check the net for updates on Trying To Conceive with pcos and my tubes are tied, and i came across a story of a woman who Priest Babaka helped to conceive a twins under same condition as mine. so i decided to put a try because this has been my greatest problem in life. today i am a proud mom with two son.contact him today via email: babaka.wolf@gmail.com or Facebook at priest.babaka he will surely make your dreams come through

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