Posted by Tania Kindersley.
The sun goes on shining. I did a good old big fat cry last night, and the pain has gone from my shoulders. There is instead a low pressure on my head, as if someone is pressing on it.
I have quite a lot of irrational thoughts. Suddenly, today, I thought: why does there have to be all this bloody funeral business? I know humans need ceremony and ritual. I know the family must gather. I know it is proper and right. It is the way of things. It must be done. But suddenly, suddenly, I think: why do I have to go and stand in a church and see him in a box? What’s that about? Why must there be the putting in the ground, in the old earth? Why can’t I just drive down to Glenn Muick and say goodbye now, consign what is left of the spirit and the life to the mountains and the loch? Why do I have to put on my jewel and find a suitable black dress and make sure I remember the waterproof mascara?
In the illogical part of my head, I think of all this mummery and say: stupid, stupid, stupid.
Almost certainly by tomorrow I shall think the diametrical opposite. Perhaps that is a thing too, like the ache in the shoulder blades. Perhaps there will be people out there nodding their heads, saying, quietly, oh yes, I remember that day.
Pictures, which are mostly of the green things: